My cat got hit by a car this week. She ran away, we found her alive the next day, no broken bones just dislocated. She is on the road to recovery. Hopefully there aren’t too many forks in that road.
Meanwhile, to try to get through the worry, I wrote this for her and am posting as a kind of replacement blog service.
xxx
For Abby
I don’t suppose I’ll forget these hours
Looking for you and wondering,
Sleepless,
If you would die alone.
Maybe a goodbye would be easier
But who for?
I promised I wouldn’t keep you alive
To please myself
That our lives were separate
I understand for real now
That love hurts.
In those moments,
Love separated us-
No, our heartbeats did.
You can count distance in heartbeats- six to you, four to me.
I was always sure that ours beat the same, no matter what they said.
Yours too fast
Mine too slow
Maybe our biggest error was trying to match.
My worst nightmare unfolds and replays
I fold in and spread out
And hope
And pray
And lose hope
And stop praying.
But you surpass us and you never stopped running for me
This love is dangerous and you’ll never forget it
Am I worthy of that kind of love that you spread to me
Without even thinking to look before you run?
You breathe to mask the pain
Or to bear it
Who knows?
And i guess in my way
That’s what I’m doing too
Until I forget to breathe
And the hurt catches up
And it takes all i have to reclaim air
For myself again
And get dressed
And persuade myself into the next thing
While I look at your soreness with my questions and fears and inadequacies
Where the answer is:
Anything
I will do anything for you.
For love.
For us.
Even if it means letting go
But not until you’re ready
You weren’t
When I thought I was.
How could I think that was fair?
And you fought when I couldn’t be strong.
I’m the fool asking how I can get through this
When you grit your teeth and scream and there, you bloom and stretch
And I watch and eat my skin, a nervous wreck-
Maybe both of us will survive after all.
circa 2006
Losing The Plot 